I’m late to RedZone by half an hour today because we took the youngsters to a birthday party. As youngsters’ birthday functions go, this was an excellent one: champagne for the men and women, a bagel platter with excellent lox, and most likely some stuff for the kids to accomplish, I don’t know. I was eating bagels.
As we were jogging home, a large number of families with young kids spilled out of the Barclay Center, clogging the sidewalk and slowing our progress home. It was the result of my omnipresent nemesis: Disney princesses, this time in ice skating kind. Luckily, my child didn’t pick up any context clues from the schlock peddlers offering Cinderellas Just simply janky and off-brand plenty of to not acquire sued into oblivion.
My son began to nod off found in the stroller, and my wife and I started shaking him like he was a identity in a Freddy film. EYES Open up, BROCHACHO. We learned our lesson about this last week: Stroller mini-naps result in no nap at all, and we ain’t about this life.
When we go back home, I have my son into our bedroom to improve his wet diaper. He right away rolls onto his tummy, because (A) that makes it impossible to put a brand new diaper on him and (B) he is only truly content when he’s producing my entire life more difficult.
My partner enters. “I got this,” she says. “Move do your task.” She is a saint.
I get into our living bedroom and turn on it. My daughter is using my swim goggles for reasons uknown. A minute later, my son enters the room. He is naked from the waistline down. I don’t approve of my youngsters Porky Piggin’ throughout the house, but my wife said she acquired it. She has her factors, I’m sure. I bite my tongue.
There are three small and pungent turds on to the floor.
I go back into our bedroom to grab my warm-up jeans, and We hear my wife gasp so loudly that I fear one of the youngsters is injured. I re-enter the living bedroom and presently there are three small and pungent turds on to the floor. My partner is somehow uncertain about at fault: “If that was …”
WOMAN! The dog hasn’t pooped on to the floor in a decade, and the only various other suspect features shit on his naked thighs. I pick up the turd nearest me with a baby wipe and set it in the diaper pail; my wife handles the rest.
A couple minutes after, my son comes to the couch – still pantsless – and urinates on my computer bag. I look at my wife.
Ladies and gentlemen of the web, let the record exhibit that my wife wanted my son to “atmosphere out” following several hours in a good wet diaper. “I didn’t expect him to poop,” she says, which seems obvious plenty of. “And I didn’t set a diaper on him after he pooped because I figured, ‘What else could he do?’”
I say little or nothing. The secret to an excellent marriage – besides the dull job of continuous value and communication – is normally laying off the sluggish hanging curveballs instead of crushing them into the third deck and moonwalking around the bases.
But yes, this was a good helpful reminder that shit and piss are the primary reasons I set diapers on infants. I value all sides in this debate, however.
EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF
– Here’s how to beat the Jaguars: Don’t let their security or special teams rating. That’s it. Like, maybe try to preserve Leonard Fournette from ripping off an 80-yard TD, but largely: Make Blake Bortles toss passes. He sucks at that! You’re gonna win!
Anyhoo, the Jags rating a 56-backyard fake punt touchdown. They skip the PAT and are only up 6-0. Doesn’t matter: Chargers are gonna lose this video game.
– Stefon Diggs hugs the goalpost after scoring:
Stefon Diggs with the Antonio Dark brown memorial leap to hug the goal post pic.twitter.com/GtZuPkBpYg – CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 12, 2017
“That’s gonna be considered a penalty. You can’t use the goalpost,” says the announcer. Let’s make an effort to keep this at heart next time we’re like, “The NFL allows fun celebrations now!” A player pretending he completed a Super Mario level results found in the same sum of penalty yardage seeing that striving to decapitate a guy with a helmet-to-helmet struck. What an asshole group.
– Josh McCown and Ryan Fitzpatrick, who’ve combined to play for almost every quarterback-starved franchise in the present day NFL, throw interceptions on consecutive plays. The video should be played on loop on a 96-in . Sony wrapped in a good gold frame found in the National Gallery of Fine art.
– Oh no, John Fox. Oh Grampy what is you doin’.
That’s Benny Cunningham diving for the end zone. Officials ruled him out at the 2-backyard brand. Fox challenged the ruling, claiming it had been a touchdown. The replay displays Cunningham fumble the ball into the pylon, which is a turnover and a touchback.
I would Want to be sympathetic and make an effort to justify the task, but Fox isn’t exactly the kind of coach who’s earned himself an extended leash with savvy as well as gutsy in-game decision-building. And the video does him no favors, either.
John Fox, when he realizes he just challenged his own crew right into a turnover pic.twitter.com/PiVybx8D0n – Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) November 12, 2017
– Vontaze Burfict features been ejected for making contact with a ref. I assume those refs missed the MMQB’s soft-focus profile last week.
Vontaze Burfict-student of the overall game? Doting dad and hubby? The Bengals linebacker would like you to learn he’s not the man he’s manufactured out to be.
Here’s what to do with redemption profiles: Move them to the trash icon on your pc without ever pitching them.
– “Hey, DeShone Kizer doesn’t appear to be ass” was something I was typing when a Browns wide receiver was stripped, resulting in a defensive rating for the Lions. After jumping out to a 10-0 lead, the Browns now trail 17-10. The Browns just constantly Browns so hard. It’s amazing how Brownsy they are.
– Rookie Austin Ekeler walks a tightrope down the proper sideline to rating a touchdown and set the Chargers up 7-6. I wrote that sentence like I’ve heard of Austin Ekeler before.
I watch around 400 prospects ahead of each draft.
I’ve never watched Austin Ekeler play football. – Josh Norris (@JoshNorris) November 12, 2017
– Adam Thielen’s touchdown special event is a game of leapfrog with his teammates:
Vikings play leapfrog FTW pic.twitter.com/D92aT1QpD7 – CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 12, 2017
I remain agog that enthusiasts are actually impressed by these simplistic, unoriginal celebrations. While American chumps are oohing and ah-ing over hide-and-seek, the CFL is normally celebrating like IT’S the dominant football league in THE UNITED STATES.
Here’s the entire CFL limbo TD special event (h/t @joshellman) pic.twitter.com/S952tA4rv3 – Vikings Blogger (@firstandskol) November 12, 2017
GIVEN THAT is quality.
– Just when you think the Browns can’t Browns any harder: DeShone Kizer tries a quarterback sneak on the 2-yard-brand with 14 seconds left in the half and no timeouts. He’s tackled short of the goal brand, and the clock runs out. The Browns go in to the locker room without points from a travel that ended a backyard short of the goal line, down 17-10 despite outplaying the Lions for most the half.
SECOND HALF, EARLY GAMES
– The Colts’ Chester Rogers (???) catches a deep ball that applies to 62 back yards and a score thanks to broken protection and lousy tackling. The Colts lead the Steelers 17-3, and I would like for you to remember this next time an individual says, “The Steelers are the most complete crew in the NFL right now.” Hogwash. I’ll have a team with a secondary and a regular quarterback.
– Alvin Kamara scores a TD to put the Saints up 24-3 in Buffalo. That’s three touchdowns on the ground for New Orleans, and none thrown by Drew Brees. This is an affront to everything I’ve learned from the last 10 years of fantasy football.
– I take a nap and awaken to the Steelers tying the overall game with a 2-point conversion. Order offers been restored to the world. It’s 17-all in the fourth quarter, and – barring a third 60-backyard touchdown bomb from Jacoby Brissett — the Steelers will come up with another travel to salt that one away.
– My child wakes up from her nap, and there’s a poop situation that will require a bath. I’ll spare you the details, if only therefore i don’t have to relive them.
When my wife puts her in the bath, she is screaming and inconsolable. She won’t sit down, and any try to force her down simply makes her shriek more loudly.
After a couple a few minutes of trying to calm her down, I strip right down to my own underwear and get in the bath with her. The normal water is normally lukewarm and no more than two ins deep, and I make an effort to ignore the few flecks of stray poop in the bath. She stops crying, and I coax her to sit down. I reading her a publication about sea creatures, and my wife finishes the cleanup.
– With a minute left in Chicago, the Packers shank a short field goal that would have given them a ten-point lead. “Looks like this one could possibly be exciting,” I practically believe before remembering that we’re talking about the Bears, John Fox, and a rookie quarterback whose bar to be the greatest QB in franchise background is “Jay Cutler.”
Mitchell Trubisky’s bar to be the greatest QB in franchise background is “Jay Cutler.”
The Bears don’t even get to midfield before turning the ball over on downs.
– Remember when I said the Saints having three rushing touchdowns and no touchdown passes was an affront to fantasy? Get that 6 rushing TDs with zero through the atmosphere. This is patently unfair. Related: I do not have Mark Ingram or Alvin Kamara in any of my fantasy leagues.
– The Chargers are up 17-14 with less than 2 a few minutes left in Jacksonville. They are able to ice the overall game with a first down. This is exactly what happens instead:
Austin Ekeler fumbles, the Jaguars recover the ball, and Tashaun Gipson returns it for a touchdown.
The touchdown is overturned (replay shows Gipson was down by contact on the recovery).
Marqise Lee takes a hard but clean hit ultimately zone, and it appears a penalty can provide the Jags the ball on the 1-backyard brand. Lee dances at the Chargers defenders, and gets flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct.
On the next play – 3rd and 25 – Blake Bortles makes an awful decision and Tre Boston picks off his pass (Boston’s second pick of the quarter).
The Chargers run the ball three straight times to burn the Jags’ timeouts. Again, a first down would have ended the overall game. L.A. punts it back.
Joey Bosa is key in putting Jacksonville found in field goal selection, unnecessarily throwing Bortles to the ground after he’d thrown the ball. Josh Lambo – who the Chargers slash in the preseason to preserve Younghoe Koo (RIP) – causes the game-tying discipline goal. This game will overtime.
Those two minutes of game time were some of the most watchable football I’ve seen all season. It was like an individual reversed the polarity of the Texans-Seahawks shootout. “Okay, let me just flick the COMPETENCE switch to OFF.” I really like it.
LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF
– The afternoon slate is normally Cowboys-Falcons, Giants-Niners, Texans-Rams, and some leftover Chargers-Jags. Hey, smell this Chargers-Jags, has it eliminated bad? (You are hit with the scent of spoiled milk and used diapers.)
– Ed Hochuli is performing Cowboys-Falcons, and wastes no time wasting our time with an overly lengthy description of a contact. I trust Drew Magary about removing the refs’ mics. Let them work in silence as the PA announcer and Tv set crew explain the side motions for the group and viewers in the home.
– It’s weird the several stages kids can be at despite getting similar sizes. My child, at era 3, is capable of having a conversation and expressing her emotions with words. My son, 1 . 5 years, understands everything we say, but is normally less a human than an organic and natural chaos engine. A child does forward-facing trust falls off of stairs.
– The Texans defense appears mean early – Jadeveon Clowney offers been wreaking havoc, and Rams receivers can’t appear to get an in . after the catch. The Rams just have a 3-0 lead due to a Tom Savage fumble, which can be why the Texans have no opportunity to win this video game unless the defense scores three touchdowns.
– OVERTIME UPDATE: Following the Chargers got a defensive prevent, Philip Rivers tries to huck it long to Travis Benjamin, however the pass is normally picked off by A.J. Bouye, who almost returns it for a touchdown, but is normally pushed out at the 2-yard brand. The Jaguars are penalized for taunting, which pushes the ball back to the 17, which is a huge offer because Jacksonville’s prolonged snapper is injured.
God, I really like this video game. It’s like seeing raccoons accomplish human activities. “Their little paws are so dextrous! Incredible!”
With the Jags establishing for a game-winning kick, the Chargers get needed delay of game, and the extra five yards will do for Lambo’s partially blocked kick to complete the uprights. Lambo, a ex – MLS goalkeeper, breaks out the sports goal celebration:
Special event of the NFL time of year. Josh Lambo obtaining his football on pic.twitter.com/PrmZ4ELq7y – Chris Deeley (@ThatChris1209) November 12, 2017
– The Texans take the lead (whaaa???) 7-6 on a Bruce Ellington touchdown. Happen to be you sitting down? I hope so, because Tom Savage simply led an eight-play, 75-yard drive.
– The first interesting play of Giants-49ers is normally in: Marquise Goodwin hauls in a bomb from C.J. Beathard that provides the Niners a 10-6 lead.
CJ Beathard + @flashg88dwin…
83-YARD @49ERS TOUCHDOWN! #GoNiners pic.twitter.com/KgGj2cpNQn – NFL (@NFL) November 12, 2017
Goodwin was evidently emotional at the end of the play, and it’s because he and his wife lost their baby boy early that morning due to difficulties during pregnancy. Merely horrible, horrible reports, and I am in awe of anyone who could muster the power to stand up and leave a healthcare facility after that.
– My son blows a raspberry on my wife’s leg that appears like a wet fart that would make Foley performers jealous. He’s 1 . 5 years old, struggles to talk to thoughts, and falls on his deal with several times a day, but DAMN can a child make fart sounds.
He tries to raspberry our pet dog, with less success.
– A Tom Savage reddish zone interception brings about a Rams discipline goal right before the half. It will have been at least a 10-6 lead for Houston, and instead they trail 9-7.
– Cowboys-Falcons is … great, I guess. I’m not paying close attention, but it appears like the absence of Zeke Elliott features resulted in Dak Prescott striving to do an excessive amount of. Dak’s hurting from the absence of Tyron Smith, too – Adrian Clayborn’s having a great video game. Clayborn sacks and strips Prescott, ending what had been a solid Cowboys travel. The Falcons lead 10-7 at the half.
LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF
– My wife, attempting to sanitize the flooring surfaces after the first poop incident, causes the oversight of letting the youngsters see the cleaning products. Soon my son has the broom, and my child has the Swiffer, and she’s shouting, “KALAYLA! KALAYLA!”
“What will ‘kalayla’ mean?” We ask her.
She widens her eyes and says, “Maloa!”
It’s possible we’ve been hearing the Moana soundtrack a little too much.
– A Tom Savage pick-6 is normally wiped off the table by Rams defensive holding. Alec Ogletree was responsible for both the interception and the penalty. It appeared as if a ticky-tack penalty if you ask me, but I feel that way about 95% of defensive holding calls. It’s a garbage penalty that shouldn’t bring about an automatic first down.
– RedZone cuts from a replay of a 94-backyard Robert Woods touchdown to get back to commentary on the task of Sterling Shepard’s catch.
.@sterl_shep3 only wants one hand!
What a grab! #GiantsPride pic.twitter.com/aIpFwubPru – NFL (@NFL) November 12, 2017
Yo, RedZone, you understand I really like you, but go ahead and set Dean Blandino on hold so I can see that 94-yarder a second time. I can wait 15 mere seconds to find out if the good catch was ruled a catch.
– The Giants miss a 34-yard field objective and are still down 17-13. Ben McAdoo exerts even more of the leadership that’s led the Giants to two straight weeks of losses:
McAdoo is definitely a good cop pic.twitter.com/y1kwQ3bFFW – CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 12, 2017
I disagree with the previously mentioned tweet; I think McAdoo appears like an early on aughts Central Valley rap-metal supporter. But I include it because it’s a picture of what Garett describes below:
@mattufford I’m almost sure that each and every time they have proven McAdoo on Tv set, he’s simply watched the Jumbotron rather than said a phrase into his headset or anyone else. You’re the coach, say something! – Garett Dmytrowich (@garettdmy) November 13, 2017
– I give my son his bath, and get back to the TV in time to see Sammy Watkins strolling ultimately zone. It’s 23-7. Looks like that’ll carry out it for the Texans.
Also, I should note that I had just written around “Looks like that” in the sentence previously mentioned before Tom Savage got strip-sacked.
FURTHERMORE: I got as far as “written” in the sentence previously mentioned before Robert Woods scored again. That’s two touchdowns in 19 mere seconds for the Rams, and the Texans are EXTRA cooked.
– My daughter arises if you ask me. “Where’s Moana?” she asks, looking at my computer. We pay attention to the soundtrack on Spotify regularly, and I’ve proven her a number of videos from the film (“You’re Welcome” and “WHAT LENGTHS I’ll Move”) while encouraging her to poop on the potty. Once she fills up her poop chart with stickers, she’ll get to watch the complete movie for the very first time.
After subduing her need to be any of the Disney princesses who simply go to sleep until a man solves their problems, I’m a lot more than happy to steer her towards Moana. It’s every father’s wish to teach his child celestial navigation.
– Matt Ryan throws a TD to Austin Hooper, and the Falcons lead 24-7.
what I think about every time they say “Hooper” during a Falcons video game pic.twitter.com/rnfv5bK8rf – Matt Ufford (@mattufford) February 6, 2017
– While I try to brush his tooth, my son swats my side, smearing toothpaste on his forehead. My child thinks that’s funny, so she wipes toothpaste on HER forehead. “They’ll manage to play with each other,” my wife and I told each other whenever we planned on having two youngsters close in age.
– Get that six sacks for Adrian Clayborn. Let’s see, the Falcons’ up coming opponent is normally … oh, the Seahawks. And their latest left tackle just injured his ankle. Splendid. Can’t wait for that.
– Matt Breida zips through the center of the Giants security for a 33-backyard TD to put the Niners up 31-13. The Falcons are up 27-7, the Rams are up 30-7, which column has ended without sticking around for any final scores. I’ve handled enough shit today, thank you very much.